It struck me tonight that I am bad with directions. I suppose this is due to the fact I don't drive often. Almost always I would be riding shotgun. What I would normally do is to memorize a prominent landmark (a building, anything) to associate with the place so I would know where I am.
This thought struck me tonight as I looked at the polar bear statue on top of a building. I would always think of the polar bear as the middle point of where I live to where you live. I remember sitting in the car with you and looking at the bear thinking, ah, I'm leaving my town to your town now. Or whenever you would send me home, I would dread looking at the polar bear: ah, it's almost goodbye now.
I chuckle to myself as I think, "it is so me to forget that I have a blog." And then a year later, I suddenly find myself wanting to create a blog so I signed into blogger, only to find out I already have one! An abandoned one, at that.
Looking back at my old posts, I barely even remember what was running through my head when I wrote them. I am beginning to wonder if the me a year ago is a completely different person compared to the me I am today, at this very moment. The answer is yes, yes and yes. I have changed tremendously, that my goldfish-memory can confirm. Is it safe to say that I have grown stronger but still somewhat weak, somehow? That's the best description I have, actually.
A year ago, I was this person who was always trying to sacrifice (even the littlest bit of) myself for the people around me. Even the little things that go unnoticed, really. I was this person who placed her feelings aside and was ever so forgiving whenever they are being trampled on. I tried so hard to make everyone happy and that still wasn't enough. Until enough was enough. People almost always believe what they want to anyway, do they not? So I don't really bother explaining myself anymore. I needed to take my life back and own it.
I have seen their selfish sides and I often asked myself, "why can't you have that too?"
In truth, that was the question I have always asked myself for years and years. But the voice at the very end of my mind never failed to answer, "but that is not who you are."
These past few days, I spent a great deal of my time in solitude. I had time to reevaluate myself, to ponder upon the things I have or have not done and I woke up one day thinking, this is it. I should make a change. I made lists, I made little changes that matter like waking up early, eating clean and do things that I wouldn't normally do. I made a manifesto for myself, I wanted a completely new routine for my everyday life and I wanted to stop caring about what other people has to say about me. Most importantly, I wanted to drop all the toxic in my life.
I am coping well so far, actually.
Baby steps . . .
Friday 17 January 2014
“Maybe…you’ll fall in love with me all over again.”
“Hell,” I said, “I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?”
